New Year's Resolution

To watch more videos like this:

"Under the Bridge" Red Hot Chili Peppers (Literal Version)

And this:

"Jizz in My Pants" The Lonely Island/Incredibad

By the way, this album comes out on my birthday.  Better go cop that, and give it to me. For my birthday.

And, last but not least, this:

Imperial Dance Off

Epic!

This one is thanks to diggTV (yes! It actually exists!) which is lame but worth it for this alone. I think you'll agree.

Enjoy!

What does the F stand for?

This event listing in the Bay Guardian pretty much sums up why I love Lil' Wayne:

TUESDAY (23rd)

MUSIC

Lil Wayne, Keyshia Cole, and T-Pain

I'm seriously impressed with anyone bold enough to get tattoos on their eyelids.  Especially if the one over the right eye reads "FEAR," the one over the left reads "GOD," while above the nose there is an "I."  Other reasons I am seriously impressed with Lil Wayne (a.k.a Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., a.k.a. the Pussy Monster, a.k.a. Weezy F. Baby): his hit single "Lollipop" became the fastest-selling ringtone in history; growing up in New Orleans, he once shot himself in the chest (recovering in a mere two weeks); ad although he already sports an amazing array of tattoos (estimates range from 14 to 1 million), he continuously finds new locations (the most recent being the palm of his hand, which now bears the letters G-U-N — why not a picture?).  Wayne's bullfrog voice spits some of the cleverest lines I've ever heard, such as "That pussy in my mouth / Had me loss for words," thus raising the bar for good lyricists. Oh, and he's the best rapper alive.  He's joined by hometown girl Keyshia Cole and by the one and only T-Pain, who lost his virginity when he was 10.  (Broder Van Dyke)

With Keri Hilson

7:30 p.m., $43-$85

Oracle Arena

7000 Coliseum, Oakl.

(510) 569-2121

I also enjoy how Keri Hilson is not mentioned until after the entire review.

One Dope Museum

AlJazeera.net posted photos from the culturally enriching Museo de los Enervantes (Drug Museum) which first opened in 1985 and it almost makes me want to get into the business. You can learn more here. Too bad the museum is only open to military officials and counternarcotic cadets.

Saving the Earth, One Car at a Time...

Last night I stumbled upon this site.  I like to think of it as raising the bar from Shotor's last post.  Or is it lowering?  Whatever it is, it's amazing.

Alteralter Ego

Pet Peeve: Do musicians really need to have "alter egos"? Because it seems to me that a person's performing persona (Like that alliteration? Yeah, you know you love it!) is their alter ego. Most have some sort of a name for it.  Even us civilians have them (No, Chinita Linda is not my real name). The Wu Tang Clan have a manual which devotes an entire chapter to the nine members and their various alter egos.  And now the most annoying alter ego ever: Sasha Fierce.

First of all, who names their alter ego "Sasha"?

Is that really the tightest name you could come up with for your, obviously fierce counterpart? (OK, we get it, she's fierce!)

Secondly what is all this "Who is Sasha Fierce?" nonsense?  It's like how people can't tell that Clark Kent is really Superman because he's not wearing glasses (According to one site,

 Superman also parts his hair on left while Clark's part is on the right).  At least he tried to disguise himself by acting clumsy and naive. Regular Beyoncé just doesn't wear eye-liner.  

Sash Fierce also seems to be wearing a bionic hand in her "Single Ladies" video which reminds me a lot of this Janelle Monae video:

Not to mention this Lloyd video and this Ciara video.

What's up with this lack of originality? It's not like there are a limited number of video themes to choose from and robotic was th only one left.  But in all the other videos, the robotic theme at least seems to be the underlying theme of the entire video.  What does a bionic hand have to do with getting married? And why do you have to get married in the first place? A ring doesn't mean anything will change.  Maybe if you lived in the 16th century your husband would get a goat and someone to cook for him but that doesn't seem so great for the "lucky bride."  Frankly I don't find the theme of the song very fierce but Sasha Bland doesn't have the same ring to it.

Don't Snort That Statue

We like to think of Camelus Pandaluribus Unum as the one-stop blog for sophistication and that includes the arts. You're welcome.

This Just In!

During a press conference in Iraq, a journalist threw his shoes at President Bush.  Here is the footage:

This dude was aiming to kill!

The sole of the shoe and the bottom of the feet are very insulting in some Middle Eastern cultures, isn't that right, Shotor?

The Iraqi journalist, Muntather Zaidi, yelled, "This is your goodbye kiss from the Iraqi people, Dog!" As he hurled both shoes at the President's head.

Bush, reportedly, "did not feel the least bit threatened by it."

According to Jamal Dajani of the Huffington Post this was not the first instance of shoe-pummeling.  Three weeks ago thousands of Iraqis, pummeled an effigy of Bush with shoes, set it on fire, and trampled it all while shouting, "No no no to the occupier."  

Just Can't Stay Away

Apparently Kanye is retiring after his latest album, 808s and Heartbreak, to focus on his clothing line.  I can't say that "retirement" is the right word. Has he been in the game that long? Or did he just burn out?  Either way, I'm sure he'll be back for more.

Here are some other people who attempted to retire on multiple occasions:             

 

Michael Jordan Who could forget his 3 retirements and brief stints in baseball and for the Washington Wizards?  Also the namesake of my shoe obsession—Check out these sweet "Opening Day" Jordan I's with matching lid. Notice the classic pinstripe pattern, Sox-like logo and sweet baseball lacing detail on the toe box.

Apparently the colors are inspired by the home and away unis of his team the Sox affiliate the Birmingham Barons.  The crest on the back outer heel represents the 3 homers and 51 RBIs Jordan had while playing for the Barons. You represent, Michael!  No idea what the cap is about, some other equally hilarious stat I hope.

50 Cent When Kanye pushed Graduation to September 11, 2007, the same release date as Curtis was scheduled to drop, the G-Unit frontman promised retire if his own album did not outsell West's.  West outsold 50 by 250,000 units.  He has yet to make good on his threat.

Brett Favre I mostly felt sorry for Aaron Rogers (Cal Alum!) who was 2nd to the throne (of starting QB that is) to a man who "flirted with retirement for years" and claimed to be "mentally tired" just before signing with the Jets.  Pretty cruel for such a nice guy.

Celine Dion The Canadian made plans to retire and now has a show in Vegas!  Claims to be going into semi-retirement this year.  Will she stay out for good?  I'll await her return with bated breath.  In the meantime, Cher has offered to take her place at Ceasar's Palace.  At least Cher never claims to call it quits! 

Willie Mays Amazingly, throughout his 21 season

career, Mays only played for the Mets and the Giants.

Roger Clemens Clemens

 career was marred multiple times by rumors of special treatment (ie not being required to travel with the team when not pitching) as well as by Jose Canseco's tell all and subsequent trials in which he and fellow Yankees pitcher Andy Petit(along with Trainer McNamee) accused one another of lying.  His forced retirement because of the steroids scandel is the only one to which I say, good riddance!

Jaÿ-Z I have love for the guy, but retiring after the Black Album and the Fade to Black tour/movie combo was a great way to go out.  Two "comeback albums" later he is still recording, I would argue, subpar material.  I do however, enjoy the Kingdom Come album cover.

Rickey Henderson Bill James on Rickey Henderson: "If you could split him in two, you'd have two Hall of Famers." Although practically guaranteed a spot, Rickey is still not actually in there yet because a player must be retired for 5 years before he can be nominated.  he man of steal" finally left the majors in 2003 and will be eligible in 2009 for the hall although he still refuses to make it official.  When is his shoe coming out?  The crest could look like this:

"For Fans of Good Music and Pork Bellies"

The Oinker Sisters have amazing style and fierce stage presence. I learned a lot from them growing up and it's evident in my everyday strut.




Yet I worry a great deal for the later generations who are left with this:

On the Question of Spirit Animals

The age-old subject of spirit animals came up at a recent dinner shindig that Chinita and I attended. We discovered that one of our good friends was an elephant (she's 5 feet tall and Indian, Perfect!) and our other friend was a potential chinchilla, but he's still working that out for himself. Others still had no idea and might need a guided session or two before making any headway. Another friend, however, boldly stated that his spirit animal was a phoenix. A PHOENIX! Seriously? As you can imagine, Chinita and I don't mess around when it comes to spirit animals and refuse to hold our tongues on the subject. Choosing a phoenix as one's spirit animal is beyond pretentious-it's blatantly self-righteous!
We do not dismiss all mystical creatures as self-righteous. I date a unicorn and know and love other unicorns that I've met along the journey that is life. Ligers are fantastic folks, for example, and so are merpeople. But where's the humility or comic relief in a phoenix? How can one take themselves seriously when claiming such a creature? Other potential spirit animals listed by him that were also unacceptable include but are not limited to, falcon, hawk, and dragon (note, our friend is not Asian) When will our friend learn that only Dumbledore can legitimately claim the phoenix his spirit animal?

Too Soon?

MC Lars and YTCracker "9:11 am (Rudy Giuliani)

Oh, MC Lars, what would I do without you?  Meanwhile...

There is some interesting discussion going on over at Boing Boing about this sculpture made by one of the bloggers, Jenny Ryan: 

I've recently been thinking about how serious everyone (especially artists) takes themselves and everything around them so I was happy to see this controversial sculpture—read any of the posts and you will see both irrational outrage and irrational support. 

Most of the outrage seems to imply that the artist is disrespecting people who lost loved ones.  This to me, implies a mentality of ignorance.  Who is to say whether the creator of the piece experienced 9/11 personally if not the artist herself? The artist should not have to justify her legitimacy to the masses.

Think about all the repercussions to artists. Here is a list of songs banned by Clear Channel after the event, in case you've forgotten.  Rage Against the Machine was banned completely. And they still don't allow Biggie to say "Blow up like the World Trade" in Juicy, which, by the way was released in 1994 (I still can't get over it!).

In other 9/11 related news, I'm glad they have stopped playing "God Bless America" at most baseball games since it's a crappy song. No disrespect to Irving Berlin but couldn't we have picked something a little more...great to honor the victims?

What's worse is when people like Giuliani use the tragedy as a platform to run for president.  Or any of these "commemorative" items sold at Ground Zero to tourists.  Especially this scrunchie, found by another Boing Boing reader, sold at the Patriotic Superstore (no, joke):

Don't worry, the description reads, "tastefully printed".  So order with abandon.

(Un)Healthy Obsession Part II

Tips for making this panda obsess over you:

1.  Blatantly style yourself after MJ in all Performances:

>

And in various photo shoots:

2.  Draw lots of comparisons between yourself and other pop singers.  Hilariously get compared to Kerri Hilson and Beyoncé as dancers (as in, some folks think B is a better dancer than you, fools!)—see #3. Also channel Janet, and Aaliyah.

3.  Be a legitimately great dancer, but don't worry about being original. (Readers: Damnit, the girl can dance! Have you seen "Like A Boy"? Have you seen her on top of the car in "Oh"?  Actually she's super hood in that whole video, except for the part where she's wearing knee-high-top hiking boots and baggy cargo shorts with a jean jacket  and doing a ridiculous reverse running man —What were you thinking!) 

4.  Acting skills are less important (Opening scenes in "Oh" and "Goodies"). 

5.  Allow Axe body spray to sponsor your 1, 2 Step video and then feature the product in your video obviously.

6.  Allow the producer who discovered you to come out with another girl group that completely bit your "Crunk n' B" style, who's hit single sounds exactly like your first album.

7.  Write all the songs on your 2nd album to gain respect but disappoint your fans (a.k.a. me), also dye your hair black so that you look hella normal

8.  Date a horrible rap "artist" and record a song with him that sounds like someone practicing a piano scale.  This artist must also have recently dropped Lil' out of his name  and must record a song with (Un)healthy Obsession #1 that is equally if not more horrible than the one he recorded with you (but wins the title of worst video).

9. Be featured on a song about shoes that is the 2nd offering about shoes from a certain St. Lunatic. While appearing in said video, be sure to rock a Chanel Ankle Purse ($1385.00) that was designed to look like a SCRAM ankle bracelet (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring device which tests vapors that come out of skin every 30 days.  Readers: Watch "Ludachristmas" episode of 30 Rock).  Also wear the purse in your new single's video for your new Mariah-Careyish-entitled album, and in this harlequin/80s pic:

10. Do the splits not once, not twice, but  thrice, all on a chair at various points throughout your new video.  And what could be better than auto-tuning?  How fresh and new. 

But most importantly, do the Matrix move as much as possible:

Okay, Cici, we get that you can dodge bullets, but can you do this?

To respect you at all as a dancer, this is what I need to see.

Let the Festivities Begin!

Now that the holidays are here, this panda would like to direct attention to two special events/CDs that will brighten up your season.

1. Trans-Siberian Orchestra:  Caution: this self-proclaimed "Rock Opera" may want to make you do air-violin. Of course, a true fan of Rock Opera would know that "by their nature, RO's need voices to change as the characters change".  According to founder Paul O'Neil, TSO is the result of his attempts to "write music that was so melodic it didn't need lyrics.

 And lyrics that were so poetic that they didn't need music but once you put the two of them together, the sum of the parts would be greater than the whole, and you couldn't imagine them apart.  Once he'd done this, he was still looking for a way to take it to even greater heights and he realized that putting the songs within the context of a story would give it a third dimension..."

 So really TSO is like music in 3-D, plus, they have a laser show—Not to mention the 60 piece band and choir.  Pretty rad right?  Their story themes include: Christmas Eve & Other Stories, The Christmas Attic, Beethoven's Last Night, The Christmas Trilogy and The Lost Christmas Eve.  I guess they like the story of Christmas.  Here's what you've been missing:

Also check out "Carol of the Bells" and "Wizards of Winter."  One host introduced them as Pink Floyd meets White Christmas.  For some reason there are about 20 videos of holiday lights set to this music, but I still prefer the lasers.  I'm not sure what makes them "Trans-Siberian" since they seem like a bunch of non-Siberians to me. But what would I know about Trans-Siberians? Answer: Not much.

Oh, this dude right here? This is Paul O'Neill.

If your not into TSO yet, does it help when I tell you that they have sold over a million albums every year since their conception? If everyone else likes them you must have it all wrong.  Take a moment to rethink your position.

Now that you've come to your senses, fly to NY this week to see them at home.  I wonder why they never come to San Francisco...

2. Celtic Thunder (From the people who brought you Celtic Woman which is a group, not one woman as the name suggests) Unlike those posers above, the members of Celtic Thunder are actually from a place that their name implies: Ireland.  The members range in age from a 16-year-old who recently recorded a (Celtic?) gospel CD, to a 41-year-old.  Credits among the group members include appearances at a Pittsburgh Steelers game, as well as a performance alongside Westlife, you know, the Irish boy band.  Admittedly, I like Celtic Thunder's music less that a certain arctic rock 'n ropera (take THAT, Hip Hopera!), but I like their name more (romance novel, anyone?).  I feel bad for saying that because they seem like nice dudes.  They sing decently but their music is no laser show, and it's certainly nowhere near 3-D (Sorry fellas).  The infomercials, on the other hand, are amazing:  

You can actually see the tweens swoon and literally clutch their metaphoric breasts when Keith comes onstage crooning, "I want to know what love is, and I want you to show me."  Tears may be shed, kilts may be worn.  He's totally an Irish CB (see "(Un)healthy Obsession").  I hope he wrote his own biography on the official website: "Keith has been singing and winning the Derry Feis on numerous occassions[sic] since the age of 4.  Keith is a talented Songwriter and excellent Guitar player as well as an amazing singer..." (capitalizations are author's).  Do I sense (Un)Healthy Obsession part 2?

Keith

Terrible news: both concert series' have come and gone from Northern Cali this year.  Don't even trip though, I will go with you next year.  

See you at ARCO Arena, 2009!

This statue perfectly details the clutched-breast swoon that tweens take on when attending the Celtic Thunder concert, and apparently upon seeing Pleasure P formerly of Pretty Ricky in person.

.

Surprise, Surprise

The Panda and the Camel had blog rant mitosis. Now since I'm back from hibernation (some camels do hibernate and pandas are not bears) I will hop on the Urban Outfitters rant autobus. For one, why the hell do they always end up selling the shoes that I want!?
I am so tired of the mainstream hipster culture that appropriates styles and symbols from marginalized groups (people of color, queer folks and of course, queer people of color, just to name a few) and churns it into a capitalist monster with a revenue upwards of 1.3 billion US dollars! Did you know the president of Urban Outfitters Richard Hayne is a straight, white, card-carrying, flag waving REPUBLICAN? Philidelphia Weekly knew it when they published this article on him. My favorite quote from the article: "hayne projects a Dick Cheney-esque aura of no-nonsense gray flannel gravitas."

It is not just hipsters or hipster culture that is wack, but they are one damn annoying aspect of a larger history of capitalist cultural appropriation and exploitation. Did I mention gentrification? I meant to. I did find this article refreshing from Racialicious.com. In the article, the author self-identifies as a "conscious hipster" and presents a Third Space à la Homi Bhabha (love the nerdy academic name-dropping) for the hipsters of color. Score! I love the reaffirmation that this camel can roam around in her skinny jeans, spandex, and high-tops while still separating herself from the white, soon-to-be-republican-once-they-make-enough-money hipsters. That said, these are the shoes that I want: