(Un)Healthy Obsession Part II

Tips for making this panda obsess over you:

1.  Blatantly style yourself after MJ in all Performances:

>

And in various photo shoots:

2.  Draw lots of comparisons between yourself and other pop singers.  Hilariously get compared to Kerri Hilson and Beyoncé as dancers (as in, some folks think B is a better dancer than you, fools!)—see #3. Also channel Janet, and Aaliyah.

3.  Be a legitimately great dancer, but don't worry about being original. (Readers: Damnit, the girl can dance! Have you seen "Like A Boy"? Have you seen her on top of the car in "Oh"?  Actually she's super hood in that whole video, except for the part where she's wearing knee-high-top hiking boots and baggy cargo shorts with a jean jacket  and doing a ridiculous reverse running man —What were you thinking!) 

4.  Acting skills are less important (Opening scenes in "Oh" and "Goodies"). 

5.  Allow Axe body spray to sponsor your 1, 2 Step video and then feature the product in your video obviously.

6.  Allow the producer who discovered you to come out with another girl group that completely bit your "Crunk n' B" style, who's hit single sounds exactly like your first album.

7.  Write all the songs on your 2nd album to gain respect but disappoint your fans (a.k.a. me), also dye your hair black so that you look hella normal

8.  Date a horrible rap "artist" and record a song with him that sounds like someone practicing a piano scale.  This artist must also have recently dropped Lil' out of his name  and must record a song with (Un)healthy Obsession #1 that is equally if not more horrible than the one he recorded with you (but wins the title of worst video).

9. Be featured on a song about shoes that is the 2nd offering about shoes from a certain St. Lunatic. While appearing in said video, be sure to rock a Chanel Ankle Purse ($1385.00) that was designed to look like a SCRAM ankle bracelet (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring device which tests vapors that come out of skin every 30 days.  Readers: Watch "Ludachristmas" episode of 30 Rock).  Also wear the purse in your new single's video for your new Mariah-Careyish-entitled album, and in this harlequin/80s pic:

10. Do the splits not once, not twice, but  thrice, all on a chair at various points throughout your new video.  And what could be better than auto-tuning?  How fresh and new. 

But most importantly, do the Matrix move as much as possible:

Okay, Cici, we get that you can dodge bullets, but can you do this?

To respect you at all as a dancer, this is what I need to see.