RIP MJ

Illigitimately, only one radio station is playing a marathon...of slow jams, which I love, don't get me wrong, but pandas can only hear so many slow jams in memorium while drinking PBR without weeping.

Bars also seem to have little respect since they were playing house music (?!) and dancehall (?!?!?!).

My heart hurts.

Simon 2009

Pandas need not use their opposable thumbs to play this amazing instrument.

My Favorite Swedes

Some of my favorite Swedes are fish:

(Red ones only please!)

Some of my favorite Swedes are puppets:

And some of my favorite Swedes are puppet masters:

Vegastasticocity

This camel is returning to the desert in the form of a trip to Vegas. My only goal is to try to look one tenth as fierce as La Prohibida. I have one month to find as many jumpsuits as possible.

The Art of The (SMS) Text Message

True, the acronym may stand for Short Messaging Service but that doesn't mean you get to skimp on the caliber of the message; quality not quantity my friends. Think of the SMS as a tiny work of art attempting to imitate that which we are lucky enough to call our lives. Here are some guidelines to set you on your way:

1. Limit your message to 1 text. Each text is 160 characters including spaces and punctuation. Feel free to use abbreviations such as u instead of you, 2moro, btw, idts, and even ytmnd to convey lengthy sentiments that are easily understood. There is but one exception to this rule. A text message may be longer than one text if the joke you are making is that you are sending the longest text message ever. No other exceptions.
2. Use correct spelling. Except in the above scenarios where alternate spellings are used to abbreviate, make sure to spell everything correctly. Especially when using phones with a QWERTY keyboard. Remember, each text is both the first and final draft. Make a good impression on the recipient. If an misspelling is somehow overlooked, never admit the mistake. As in cooking and art, turn the mistake into your own advantage.

   Example 1: "OK. I have to frop off the camel firlst...that's right, firlst."

   Example 2: "And when I say frop, I mean it!"

3. Think about what you want to say before you say it. Don't just fire off (SMS)'s willy-nilly. Put some thought into your written work. Make the recipient laugh. Challenge him or her to a battle of wits. If you need to, take the time to distract yourself with something else for a time. Don't worry, the cleverest response will come.
4. In this day and age, it is sometimes easiest to communicate a simple message via text. Other times it is easiest to converse via phone. WRONG. Never call, and even more importantly, never give in to a fellow texter who insists that you call them. Consider each text message conversation a duel in which calling would indicate defeat.
5. And finally, get creative with emoticons. No one wants to see your boring smiley face.

• P) person wearing an eyepatch
• P{D pirate wearing an eyepatch
• :B vampire
• :") Lil' Wayne

Good Thing It's Summer

So I can plan on making this hat for next winter. Then realize I am freezing cold and wear it in July.

Keeping Score

# of weddings to attend/attended by Shotor within 12 months: 8

# of weddings attended by Chinita: 0

I think the real winner is clear.

Think About the First Time You Ever Held A Sausage In Your Hand

Panini on wheels, what could be finer? Since pandas, apparently hate sweets, or at least prefer savory snacks, I can safely say the salumi cycle's better than the ice cream truck!

Queen of the Jungle

That's what pandas are...I thought you knew.

But since I'm an urban panda, and I don't get to travel to my queendom much, here are some things that remind me of home:

What's that you say? You say there are no cheetahs or tigers in the jungles of Asia? Very well, here are some more subtle styles to keep me honest. (You can't say we don't have snakes!)

And here's what royalty wears in the company of commoners: