Camelus Pandaluribus Unum

I'm Late I'm Late For a Very Important Date!

2011-09-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

Which is why I need this watch:

Jeremy Scott x Swatch

See the rest here

Toys Toys Toys

2010-12-06T16:07:00.000-08:00

Eexcellent:

Wonderful:
Exquisite:

Exquisite Part II
Terrible:

This Is Why You Should Never Say No To Me

2010-09-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm warning you...

(Thanks boingboing)

Make a muppet

2010-04-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

I wanted to make one that looked like me, but this was all I could come up with:

You can't tell that I am wearing furry cuffs as well.

Make your own here.

Nice Combo #2

2010-04-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

Sheep's Knuckles

2010-04-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

If I was the type of panda who was into toys, I would totally collect these.

Apparently these are based on a ancient game from Greece in which children used sheep knuckles. You throw them on the ground and you get points for their position when they land.

Then whoever has the most points wins! And gets to take one Crazy Bones (Crazy Bone?) from all the losers. But the most important thing is below:

After studying the website, here are my remaining questions:

Are they called Crazy Bones or Gogos?
How can some "fly faster" than others?
Who is this Gogo character?

Nice Combo

2010-04-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

Phalange Glamonomics

2010-04-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

Easter Lamb Chop

2010-04-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

Hooked On T-Phonics

2010-04-04T15:49:00.001-07:00

Here's a fun proofreading activity for you:

Remember when you were a little kid and you made signs that you didn't plan out? Sometimes you forgot a letter, or even a whole word. Grammar was also questionable. Well that's what these Tea Party Posters are like.

Usually your posters made sense though, they had simple messages like, "Lemonade 5¢" 0r "Carwash" but these ones don't even do that.

Check out the whole Teabonics album on Flickr.

Current Obsession #3

2010-04-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

As an artist, this panda is often asked, "What is your medium?" Until now the response has always had more to do with my immense dislike of painting—the act of doing it, not paintings themselves. However, it seems that this panda was very mistaken.

How does it look compared to the original? Way more awesome, you say? Well in that case, look what else you have in store:

"Native American Spirit" "Moonlit Swim"

"Frog Pile-Up" "Ocean Life"

"Zoo Montage" "Unicorn"

And these are just the new Paint By Numbers. Apparently, it was invented in 1948 although it seems to have pretty much stolen Leonardo da Vinci's method of teaching painting (he gave out numbered images to his students and directed them on what to paint where).

A little sleuthing on eBay revealed these vintage gems:

Wood Paint By Number

Oil Paint By Number

Zoo Paint By Number

They debuted in 1950 at $2.49 a piece and have since sparked a cultural debate: is this art? Well, I think you can judge for yourself.

Redecorating

2010-03-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

Throw this up in any room. Too bad it's custom. Oh yeah, and it's flocked too.

My Kind of Hygeine

2010-02-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

My Antchitect

2010-01-22T15:03:00.000-08:00

Tell me you read:

as a kid! Now get excited, because this is pretty much a barbapapa city!

As the source of this video said, "It's when they do things like this that make me think that ants are conscious beings."

Committment Part II

2010-01-13T22:45:00.000-08:00

He's so stylish...permanently stylish.

Not so permanently? Where's the blood? Where's the irritation?
People on BoingBoing seem to think this is some kind of "viral marketing campaign." "For what?" you might ask. Apparently it's for RayBans which I guess I can see. Maybe pandas are just slow on the uptake. But I have to commend RayBan on finding a dude who actually looks like he would really get this tattoo.

Here is the eyeball tattoo video. Be forewarned; it is disgusting.

Also on BoingBoing, these comments:

Burger A Day

2009-12-30T22:07:00.000-08:00

Day 1: Nikko's Cafe Shop

340 23rd Avenue, Oakland, CA(510) 533-1425

Point of Fashion: Diner
Yelp Invoked: Yes
Booths: Yes
Hobo Burger: Winner

A Note About Yelp: This panda is against it. Comments on websites can't be trusted. Have you ever looked at the comments on YouTube? At least the idiots who write those comments aren't trying to take themselves too seriously (or maybe they are?) but the Yelp personalities are extreme snobby snobs.

Update: Why aren't there more burger posts, you ask? Because this panda gave up after only 1 day. 7 days of burgers was a daunting task. Anyone feel up to the challenge?

Potter Musings

2009-12-29T21:56:00.000-08:00

Best theme song. Ever. Though I'm a little disappointed it was not featured in We Are Wizards the documentary about Harry Potter fans across the country. It features a hilarious interview with Brad Neely of Cartoon Network fame, and also with wizard rock icons including Harry and the Potters and their counterparts; Draco and the Malfoys.

Also featured, The Hungarian Horntails (a brotherly duo of 4 and 7 years old), and Melissa Anelli who has since co-written a nonfiction work —with none other than J.K. Rowling herself, about the Harry Potter fan phenomenon. Heather Lawver also speaks about the boycott of all things Harry Potter (minus the books of course) during PotterWar. The only person representing any opposition to Harry Potter is Caryl Matrisciana, one of many who believe that the novels encourage an anti-Christian mentality. That side of the argument was underrepresented, but after all, it's a movie about fans. That said, I would love to see a movie about other non-believers.
Technical aspects of the movie were sometimes questionable, (several sound issues among other things) but the overall charm of the story is undeniable.

Right now you can stream the flick on Netflix Instant or you can find it for free on IMDB.

Shoeless Shoes

2009-11-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

Though, as a panda, I am accustomed to wandering barefoot in the wild, you homoerecti may find that it is nearly impossible to walk in your urban jungle without the help of some sort of foot covering.

Especially when it comes to exercise, you humans have invented every kind of fitness shoe from the hideous MBT, the aptly dubbed "anti-shoe" (no self respecting humon would consider those atrocities acceptable in public), to the FitFlop, the flip flop that "energizes your body" and "makes you fit", to the running shoe.

Apparently around the time Nike invented itself and proposed the wedged heel to cushion impact, this style became all the rage. That was in 1972 and we are still using the same basic design today.

Enter barefoot simulation technology.Various shoe companies in the past few years decided that this design was outdated. You might think that in 37 years someone would have invented a different type of exercise shoe. But no, only in the last 5 years or so have these new types of shoes become available largely due to the extreme cushioning, and limiting range of motion that hinders a natural walking/running style in running shoes today. Groups such as ChiRunning, and books like Born to Run have sprung up questioning the use of large amounts of shock absorbency in shoes since the foot has evolved to be a shock absorber in itself. There is conflicting evidence that proves both that flatter soled shoes prevent foot problems and that traditional running shoes prevent foot problems though there does not seem to be any evidence proving that either type of shoe prevents injury. (Of course this is nearly impossible to study since factors would include amount of time warming up, previous injuries, stretching regimen, how in shape the runner is already, and running style—does the runner pronate? How much impact does the runner create when running...this one would be particularly hard to measure since runners have a greater impact in a more cushioned shoe so even the same runner would generate different results in the 2 different types of shoes...? etc etc etc.)

Enter the "anti-shoe." Galahad Clark (Yes, his name is Galahad!) of Clark's fame has collaborated with the people at Vibram (the italian shoe company that soles my Frye boots) to create a shoe that simulates being barefoot.

Admittedly, from the outset this concept seems like an oxymoron—an eighty-dollar shoe that makes you feel like you are not wearing shoes. But supposedly this new technology, which makes you look (and feel) like a new-wave ninja turtle, will help the wearer redevelop the various muscles of the foot that have fallen into disuse after s/he outgrew the barefoot stage of childhood. For most of you humonoids I would imagine it has been at least 20 years. You still seem skeptical.
For one thing, humons in the cave days did not have things like cement, flat ground and broken glass to deal with, thus creating an immediate problem. However, Vibram FiveFinger is offered up for use in such situations as rock-climbing, martial arts, running, surfing, and weight training so according to their thinking these types of petty obstacles should not pose any sort of problem for the wearer.
Another seemingly important detail is the relative life expectancy. Cave men and women lived to what, 35? They didn't have to worry about one set of knees and feet lasting them well into their 80s. Of course knee replacements and hip replacements are becoming more common by the year, but that's not much of a fall back plan. I will take healthy feet and knees any day over recovery time from multiple joint replacements. This makes me think of the mouse who was going to visit his grandmother—his car broke down, then his roller skates and finally he had to buy a new set of feet because those wore out from walking so much.
Still not convinced? Fear not, beloved readers, this panda has purchased the versy shoe in question and will be trying it out for the next 30 days. Expect regular updates about foot soreness, blisters and other scintillating tidbits.

My Halloween Costume

2009-10-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

3 days is totally enough time to pull this off

Soul Collection

2009-10-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

Is it just this panda, or is it weird that a car company has a site called "Soul Collective" on which they feature various artists that are really cool?
Just heard the new Janelle Monae, and saw a video of the making of her new song, Come Alive (The War of The Roses) at Wonderland. But then at the end of the video there's this weird part where she, uncomfortably thanks Kia for being so cool to create this collective. The collective though just seems to be a random group of popular and fashionable people who don't even know each other. Is that really a collective?
Maybe it's this panda's hippy upbringing but I always thought that collectives were for artists who all worked at the same venue. Or at least they all worked together. Or something like that.
Also they seem to give away free concert tickets when you test drive their cars.
They're so hip.

Excitement

2009-10-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

October 16th.
Will you be there?
I will.
Not only is this one of my favorite kids books (OK, saying that is not so complimentary. I have about 100 of those), but the movie looks rad. The wild things look how I would imagine them to look. And Spike Jonez, with the help of Dave Eggers, is just the type of director to get it right. I think. I hope. (Apparently some of the techniques used to inspire Max Records, the 12-year-old who plays Max, included dressing up in various costumes and at one point Catherine Keener covered herself in fake blood to elicit surprise and fright.)

Second point of interest. Original soundtrack by Karen O and the Kids. !!! Not that I want to rave about the movie before I've seen it, but I kinda want to get WAY TOO EXCITED! Just caught the YYY's concert at the new Fox Theater.
Tangent Alert: The Fox is rad! Peep the site.
Also, the YYY's have amazing concert shirts. Here are some examples:
About Karen O:
Performance: yoga/mick jagger as my brother said, she's hapa (half Korean) and she has amazing fashion.

Third thing: (good things always come in threes, I like to say.)
Opening Ceremony has a jewelry and faux-fur line based on the movie and has, according to the WSJ, already sold out (90 adult-sized unisex wolf suits" priced at $610 a pop. Oh to be one of the lucky few...
OK, I promised three points of interest, but who can be mad about a fourth?
VICE has asked 24 artists to recreate their favorite moments from the book.

Mad Mad Mad Mad Men

2009-10-03T23:29:00.000-07:00

Help! There's A She-Wolf In My Closet!

2009-10-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently Shakira uses an Spanish-English dictionary to translate all of her songs personally. This explains why we are graced with gems like:

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble
So you don't confuse them with mountains

and

As every voice is hanging from the silence
Lamps are hanging from the ceiling
Like a lady tied to her manners
I'm tied up to this feeling

But it doesn't explain why this video is so amazing. I've never seen so many quasi-belly-dancing moves, ice-skating moves and exorcism moves in the same place at the same time!

Here's a translation for all you non-hispanoparlantes:

Boat Theme Trilemma

2009-09-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

Panda's love theme parties. But what does one do when faced with a Boat themed pary?
Do you go Pirate? Yacht Style? Naval?

Of course this panda's armoire contains one entire outfit made out of a combination of the 3.

Here were some options:

A Naval Officers Hat, Sword and Scabbard. Dress uni. (From pops) with sailor jeans. No shirt.
Boat shoes, knot earrings and a shirt with chains all over it—accessory, scarf with map of Bahamas. No Pants
Eye Patch.

Here's the look that made it out and was consequentially dubbed "Fly Boatist":

Did You See???

2009-09-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

CB wearing my current favorite pattern.

Fan Mail

2009-09-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Look what I got!
All the way from Shanghai via Missouri.
I'm awesome!

Pegasu

2009-09-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

Current Obsession:
Yesterday this panda waited in line for WAY too long at a HUF warehouse sale.

Interesting Panda Fact #189: Panda's are very patient yet also discreet—just try to worm the amount of time wasted, I mean spent enjoyably in line out of me, I dare you.

By the way, when you say "HUGE!!! warehouse sale" doesn't that imply that the warehouse is huge? This panda does not proclaim to be an English Professor, or even be a native English speaker for that matter, but ??? The "warehouse" was a tiny storefront and former salon in one of those "neighborhoods", you know, the fancy ones.

So besides my obvious new obsession with "air quotes" I also got these:

Then I preceded to put them on and spend a good hour looking at all the other colorways online. While wearing them.
Ultimate dork status! Haha! Victory is mine!

2 Birds With One Stone

2009-09-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

"Yo, Chris Brown, I know you're picking up trash and all and Imma let you finish, but Boy George is the best trash picker-upper of all-time." - Kanye

November 19, 2009: Fire, Brimstone, Free Books?

2009-09-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

Oh man, are you in for a treat! This video is great! A Romanian who says "hella" what could be more exciting than that! Answer: A Romanian who clowns Kurt Cameron!

Here is the 50 Page "introduction" (did I mention that she also uses air quotes?)

And here, for old time's sake, is the Banana Guy.

There's Only One Problem

2009-09-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Mick Bigman has a problem. He comes from a long line of surfers; his father was an amateur surfer, his grandfather Rod Bigman a surf champion who appeared in 1960's beach movies like Beach Bongo. Unfortunately, Nick suffers from Hydrophobia, an anxiety disorder that plagues many Americans who suffer from this extreme fear of the water. Nick can't go near any body of water without breaking into a sweat. If he's tossed in the ocean or a pool by a bunch of pranksters, he immediately goes into a panic attack. Those who suffer from Hydrophobia have been known to drown in a shallow body of water they could have easily stood up and walked away from, the anxiety's that intense.

'Hydrophobia' revolves around the ghost of 60's beach movie starlet Karen Slater. When Karen's controlling Hollywood agent Don Bulaskyfinds out about her love affair with her Beach Bongo co-star, Rod Bigman (Nick's grandfather), her agent drowns her in a jealous rage. Overcome with grief DON seeks out the help of a local Jamaican witch doctor to bring his favorite beach movie starlet back to life.

There's only one problem. While what comes back resembles the beautiful Karen Slater, in voodoo mythology if a person dies a violent death, his or her soul returns as evil incarnate. In Karen's case, she's become a flesh-eating astral zombie residing in the pool of her old abandoned Malibu Beach house. Every spring Karen needs to feed on twelve poor souls so she can exist on this earthly plane for another year. And because she's an astral zombie, Karen can materialize anywhere in the house or pool area where there's water!

With the help of her keeper, Hollywood agent Bulasky, Karen lures a pair of college kids, who of course decide to throw a huge spring break pool party at her Malibu beach house! Being spring, it's feeding time again! To complicate matters, the protagonist, Nick, has a fear of the water so if he notices strange occurrences or claims to see weird stuff going on during the mayhem of the pool party, no one's going to believe him.

As the partygoers are knocked off one by one, Nick and his fun-loving dorm buddy Daryl don't realize what's going on – they're too preoccupied with getting laid! But when the girls (Alec & Cindy) that Nick & Daryl have their eyes on fall prey to Karen as they wade in the pool, Nick is forced to confront both his Hydrophobia and this flesh-eating creature who was once Karen Slater, the sexy 60's beach movie starlet Nick's idolized for years. As Nick's friends are about to find out in 'Hydrophobia', it's time to be afraid of the water ... again!

Waive Your Hands In The Air If You Think Your Country's The Best!

2009-09-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

This Panda was in New York, where she did nothing but frequent sneaker boutiques and party on rooftops.

She did happen upon the West Indies Parade which is 1. The livest parade she's ever been to and 2. Haiti is apparently the best, because they were the loudest, and had the most people waiving their hands in the air.

Current Obsession

2009-08-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

Guess who's diamond anniversary it is?

That's right, Scrabble's! How'd you know? Besides schooling you in the game any day of the week, let me school you on deluxe editions I must own.

I wanted this anniversary edition suitcase:

(Night Shot)

That is until I saw this one:

L.L. Bean Edition

Pandas are suckers for wood panelling and a score-keeping binder.

Then, the person who I school most days of the week found this one in his parents' attic:

Scrabble 1 Panda 0

Summer Vacation: It's All About Toilets

2009-08-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

Why does The Mallard (amazing dive bar for bikers and impromptu high school reunions) have a Toto? Apparently the owner went to Japan and when he came back it was Totos for every stall.

Also see this?

That's a Google Toilet. Also top notch quality--it has a remote!

Nora Roberts, the famous romance novelist seems to enjoy cleanliness as well, her B&B in Boonsboro, Maryland rocks the deluxe edition. (Also read this article about her in the New Yorker, it's insane!)

Lastly, check out this amazing posting on Boing Boing about a vicious attack toilet.

OK one more thing, Toilet Moonwalk!

How Will I Ever Decide...

2009-07-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

...which shirt is best?

Saber Toothed Tiger?

Mister Mitten's Big Adventure?

Three Keyboard Cat Moon?

I heart you, threadless!!!

A Blanket For My Feet

2009-07-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, this panda recently traveled to the distant land of Calgary where she reveled in the western nature of the "Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth" also known as the Calgary Stampede.

There was much for her to see and do there including

Chuckwagon Racing,

Team Cattle Penning:

Stock Dog Trials:

and much much more.

There are a lot of cowboys up there, hats and boots for all, not just folks attending the stampede. There were even neon and purple hats, but this panda could not bring herself to that kitschy level (though it was almost impossible to resist). Wrangler's were in full effect to my immense pleasure.

However there was one aspect of the Stampede that I did NOT enjoy.

Apparently the style for cowgirls is to wear shorts and cowboy boots. Some were getting into it with any old boots. This was an ugly style. It was the kind of thing that looks OK when your in the moment on vacation but when you look back at photos you are displeased. The only difference was, I was displeased in the moment.

The only thing that made up for it was finding these amazing blazers made out of a Pendleton blanket (and I've been back for a week!):

Pandas Are Old School

2009-07-13T16:56:00.001-07:00

Old games with a modern twist:

Tribute?

2009-07-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

Yes yes yall, my new favorite artist has come out with my favorite kind of jam, questionable lyrics and a possible cry for help. You can tell that Ron really loved MJ because he's giving up the game to honor the only "R&B singer that really makes me cry."

Read this article and download the song ASAP!

Wish I could post it to the site but for that we have to get a host and pandas are lazy (duh).

OK, Ron, I admit it! I miss him!

Commitment

2009-07-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

Can't get enough? More here.

RIP MJ

2009-06-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

Illigitimately, only one radio station is playing a marathon...of slow jams, which I love, don't get me wrong, but pandas can only hear so many slow jams in memorium while drinking PBR without weeping.

Bars also seem to have little respect since they were playing house music (?!) and dancehall (?!?!?!).

My heart hurts.

Simon 2009

2009-06-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

Pandas need not use their opposable thumbs to play this amazing instrument.

My Favorite Swedes

2009-06-16T16:35:00.001-07:00

Some of my favorite Swedes are fish:

(Red ones only please!)

Some of my favorite Swedes are puppets:

And some of my favorite Swedes are puppet masters:

Vegastasticocity

2009-06-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

This camel is returning to the desert in the form of a trip to Vegas. My only goal is to try to look one tenth as fierce as La Prohibida. I have one month to find as many jumpsuits as possible.

The Art of The (SMS) Text Message

2009-06-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

True, the acronym may stand for Short Messaging Service but that doesn't mean you get to skimp on the caliber of the message; quality not quantity my friends. Think of the SMS as a tiny work of art attempting to imitate that which we are lucky enough to call our lives. Here are some guidelines to set you on your way:

Limit your message to 1 text. Each text is 160 characters including spaces and punctuation. Feel free to use abbreviations such as u instead of you, 2moro, btw, idts, and even ytmnd to convey lengthy sentiments that are easily understood. There is but one exception to this rule. A text message may be longer than one text if the joke you are making is that you are sending the longest text message ever. No other exceptions.
Use correct spelling. Except in the above scenarios where alternate spellings are used to abbreviate, make sure to spell everything correctly. Especially when using phones with a QWERTY keyboard. Remember, each text is both the first and final draft. Make a good impression on the recipient. If an misspelling is somehow overlooked, never admit the mistake. As in cooking and art, turn the mistake into your own advantage.
Example 1: "OK. I have to frop off the camel firlst...that's right, firlst."
Example 2: "And when I say frop, I mean it!"
Think about what you want to say before you say it. Don't just fire off (SMS)'s willy-nilly. Put some thought into your written work. Make the recipient laugh. Challenge him or her to a battle of wits. If you need to, take the time to distract yourself with something else for a time. Don't worry, the cleverest response will come.
In this day and age, it is sometimes easiest to communicate a simple message via text. Other times it is easiest to converse via phone. WRONG. Never call, and even more importantly, never give in to a fellow texter who insists that you call them. Consider each text message conversation a duel in which calling would indicate defeat.
And finally, get creative with emoticons. No one wants to see your boring smiley face.

P) person wearing an eyepatch
P{D pirate wearing an eyepatch
:B vampire
:") Lil' Wayne

Good Thing It's Summer

2009-06-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

So I can plan on making this hat for next winter. Then realize I am freezing cold and wear it in July.

Keeping Score

2009-06-09T17:10:00.001-07:00

# of weddings to attend/attended by Shotor within 12 months: 8

# of weddings attended by Chinita: 0

I think the real winner is clear.

Think About the First Time You Ever Held A Sausage In Your Hand

2009-06-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

Panini on wheels, what could be finer? Since pandas, apparently hate sweets, or at least prefer savory snacks, I can safely say the salumi cycle's better than the ice cream truck!

Queen of the Jungle

2009-06-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

That's what pandas are...I thought you knew.

But since I'm an urban panda, and I don't get to travel to my queendom much, here are some things that remind me of home:

What's that you say? You say there are no cheetahs or tigers in the jungles of Asia? Very well, here are some more subtle styles to keep me honest. (You can't say we don't have snakes!)

And here's what royalty wears in the company of commoners:

Winners Circle

2009-05-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

And so, on the epic day of the Slash 30th anniversary celebration, when yours truly won the grand prize, (a sweet cruiser bike) Shotor managed to win 3 pairs of jeans! In a row! The best of which is featured below:

But the Shotor was not satisfied with the riches she received and wished to peddle her pantaloons for their worth in gold dubloons. The Panda was puzzled as to her motives since the afore mentioned pants gave the wearer the power to resemble the bear from her favourite children's tale:

Dossier

2009-05-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

Name: Chinita Linda a.k.a. Captain Lavender

Associations: 1/2 of the infamous internet alliance Camelus Pandaluribus Unum

Hair: Assmetrical

Eyes: Good Lookin

Height: Under Contention

Spirit Animal: Panda

Favorite Color: Neon

Last Seen: With glazed over look in eyes, sneakers on brain.

WARNING! This fugitive is armed and dangerous. Will not hesitate to trample to attain neon Nylon dunks.

Rich Losers≠WInners

2009-05-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately some people actually think the chalk toss is cool. While watching the Cavs stomp the Warriors a while back a I made the mistake of making a comment about it to a friend's boyfriend. The transcription is as follows:

Panda: What a loser!
Panda's Friend: He's is anything but a loser...he's rich!

I maintain that wealth does not excuse lame behavior. Which is why this commercial is so epic.

The Opposite of Me

2009-05-17T17:04:00.000-07:00

It's Been So Long...

2009-05-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

Now that the tables have turned, Shotor is the busiest camel alive, with no job to speak of (OK, truth is she doesn't have internet. Which is no excuse. What year is she living in. 1981?). Meantime, I, the employed panda, have all the leisure time in the world. To read, embroider and practice ukelele; you know, the things that all civilized pandas should know how to do in order to catch a husband.

I've only time enough right now to tell you about snack salad.

I love snack salad. For those of you who don't know, snack salad is essentially fried snap peas. It claims to be BAKED but I find that the only thing greasier is the ham and cheese turnover from Acme Bakery. At least we know what turns the bag clear in that scenario. The oily oily cheese. Mmmmmm.

Here is what snack salad has to say for itself:

Your Salad Never Got Such a Lift!
The pea has played an important role in dietary life and culture since the dawn of recorded history, and because of its nutritional value it has great potential for our dietary lives in the future. We are expecting to see the continuing development of 'Snapea Crisps" as a delicate and tasty product which has taken advantage of the pea's original goodness, and we propose this product as a new type of snack.

Neti Pot. Net-Net-Neti Pot

2009-05-01T17:07:00.000-07:00

Or should I say, "nose bidet"?

Is this the new Toto?

This one's for Humita:

A little neti pot still life?

This is Joan's neti pot. It's hand made.

Most expensive neti pot. Ever.

It's actually made of crushed diamonds encased in red plastic. It's unbreakable.

My Two Favorite Things, Together At Last

2009-04-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson and Religious/Midieval Iconography.

Oh, my new favorite poem?

I am the thinker, the thinking

the thought

I am the seeker, the seeking,

the sought

I am the dewdrop, the sunshine

the storm

I am the phenomenon, the field,

the form

I am the desert, the ocean

the sky

I am the Primeval Self

in you and I

Michael Jackson

But wait, there's more!

Neverland Ranch Auction

The Next Time I Sign A Lease It's Going To Be Here

2009-04-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

Firstly, much technical difficulties have kept me from blogging. Much apologies to the 5 followers and to my panda partner. Secondly, much searching has finally paid off and I have a new apartment! One thing this apartment struggle taught me was that I need a long-term living plan. The Venus Project is just the ticket! They're "beyond politics, poverty and war" and I want to get on their waitlist asap!

Exploit Me!

2009-04-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would say this, but this album cover might be better than the Weezy mixtape series. And you know it must be good if that's what's on my mind.

One blog had the nerve to call the album artwork "scary". If by "scary" they mean "amazing" then I am in complete agreement.

So far the Aussie duo has 2 videos in which they appropriate cursory elements of wherever they are (ie martial art-like moves and a silk jacket on location in Shanghai; feathers, skull iconography in the Icamole Desert, Mexico—and of course a few native looking folks here and there to make it authentic.)

Part of me wants to hate on them, but it's hard to when they keep turning out great photogs (never mind the music!). The rest of me wants to join the Cult--oops I mean Empire at www.walkingonadream.com Then, the first part of me wants to hate on them again for their interview costumes, uh, I mean outfits. So many typos today!

The group plans to travel the world, shooting in a different location for each of the songs off the album and ultimately merging them into a feature film, so I suppose I have plenty of time to make up my mind.

Monday to Friday!

2009-04-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

FX is the best! First, The Shield, now this? What's next, a Brazilian soccer name generator? Oh wait, that already exists.

Toes Done Up With The Fingernails Matchin

2009-04-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

This is what I would call "Pro Nails"

Damn you, Lindsay!!

Spell Check, Anyone?

2009-04-20T19:49:00.001-07:00

Up To My Old Tricks

2009-04-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

Pandas don't really need shoes, or any clothing for that matter. Which is why these hiking boots with 5 amazing colorways and these robin-hood-ass-boots exist only in my dreams.

Vacaciones

2009-04-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

The sites are coo; yes it's fun learn to snowboard in perfect conditions, say, or go to a gay Easter parade and get lots of beads for example, but I can safely say that the BEST thing about Shotor and I going on vacation to separate places is the hilarious MMS we send to each other...at least 1 an hour, don't be intimidated. Who else would appreciate a picture of the oldest iron in the world, or a huge tower of sandwiches or even a professional photoshoot of donuts. Oh wait, I guess you guys might like to see that too...

Here you go, strictly from my Blueberry, no real cameras allowed:

Facts About Pandas

2009-04-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

Pandas have crazy allergies, as you might know, but this panda can't tell if she's blinded by them or drawn to floral patterns in spite of them...shouldn't I be allergic to these?

Did you know a panda's favorite color is neon?

Or that panda's are partial to purple?

Yeah, there are a lot of things you don't know about pandas.

Bruce Lee Kicks Iron Clad Shire Ass

2009-04-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

The Vanishing Cabinate Members Game

2009-04-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

Israeli newspapers aimed at ultra-Orthodox Jewish readers removed the images of the two new female Cabinet members. See if you can figure out which photo is the original and which one is the Orthodox approved version!

This puzzle has been compared by many to the "Vanishing Leprechaun Puzzle" that is hugely popular in Ireland and Mobiles County, Alabama.

I still can't decide which is my favorite.

Penis-Head, Literally

2009-03-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah, China

2009-03-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

Spyware name: Ghost Rat.

Can spy on every e-mail and keystroke on your "humble desktop computer" including the ability to turn on your web-cam and microphone
Can find out the names of all documents and applications you have on your computer
Tools used are can all be downloaded from the internet.

One of the theories regarding Ghost Rat and this "murky realm" of cyber spying is that the people behind this are the Chinese government in order to spy on the Dalai Lama (His office discovered the bug), but "all signs point to China."

Just imagining all those cute/malicious pandas blatantly spying on the DL and specific international NGOs is enough to make this panda's chest puff up with pride...or is that shame?

Here's a podcast about it.

Why So Sad, Panda?

2009-03-27T17:09:00.001-07:00

Ponies Gone Wild!

2009-03-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

This panda always hated My Little Pony. That stupid song about rainbows (I hated rainbows as a child. That's normal, right?) and secret names and what have you, and their horrible cartoon.

Not to mention their funny sweet plastic smell and hair. WTF ponies do not have people hair! Nor should they get in a turquoise human shaped bath tub. (This was one of the accessories I got as a birthday present one year)

Luckily for me, Mari Kasurinen has made My Little Ponies accessible and even, (gasp!) lovable to Pony haters around the world.

Honestly, when you are drawing from classic themes you can never go wrong. Isn't that right, Cubee Craft?

Is it me or is the My Little Slave Leia strangely attractive? More so than her human model.

I don't even like Alien vs. Predator but these are off the hook! Predator is about to F some Alien up!

A classic duo that only seems appropriate done up in pony.

And you thought the Heath Ledger version was scary. See you in my nightmares, Joker Pony.

Addendum: I'm Really Really Dumb, Apparently

2009-03-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

Notice that The Coldest Winter Ever made the list. But what about Midnight? Thanks to Shotor this panda has had the pleasure of reading the latest book from the streets, in 3 days mind you. The author's son has been heard to say that the book changed his life. But honestly, the book seems more like an opportunity to rag on black women. Does it seem that way to anyone else? Because I know you all have read it. Don't lie.

Additionally the book seems to condone the Sudanese lifestyle, which, while I'll say there is nothing wrong with, seems very odd in that the main character is married by the time he is 14. To a 16-years-young (the protagonist's words, not mine) Japanese girl. She is amazingly fitted; her outfits are described to the most minute detail. Yet, call it panda intuition, I can't help feeling like her Asian-ness is exploited somewhat in with her brilliant artistry, her crazy hooked-up outfits, and the fact that she doesn't speak English.

Here are some photos of the major players from the inside of the book cover:

Hello, Sweatpants?

2009-03-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

Panda calling.

Please come over right now and get on my bottom.

OK?

Bring Sweatshorts if she cares to come along.

Great.

See you soon.

They're Not Just Good, They're Golden

2009-03-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

He Wore Blue, Not Green!

2009-03-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Pattie's Day. This is almost as good as Whistle Tips.

Googoosh is the Persian Version of a Hustler

2009-03-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Her Memory Lane tour kicks off at Paramount in Oakland this Saturday, the day after Persian New Year. I was fortunate enough to see her live in concert during her 2000 tour. Tickets this year are going for $250.00.

How could I not adore someone who has better hair than me?

She's basically beyond fierce. She's turning 59 this year (or next year, depending on your calendar of choice) and still no one can top her game.

check out these moves:

Fairy Tales CAN Come True

2009-03-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

I'm Really Really Dumb, Apparently

2009-03-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

According to this article, fans of Beyonce are stupid. HaHA! This panda did not need a study to know the truth about that, however JT fans were also ranked poorly. Sacrilege! I believe the article even says,

"Lovers of Lil Wayne were deemed least intelligent"

Come on, if you can come up with mixtape covers like this all the time you have to be lightweight brilliant. And your fans have to be to appreciate it. Right? Maybe you better have another look:

I believe fans of Jaÿ-Z rank below fans of Akon. Can that even be true? The study also said that U2 fans are smart. Really? The dude who said, "Uno, dos, tres, catorce" has smart fans? So obviously it has some kinks that need to be worked out. Way to be good at SAT taking, losers.

I'm not really sure how to interpret the graph. on the one hand I love Weezy aka the best rapper alive. Not to be confused with Chamillionaire who also claims this title. ("My initials is F. U. I'm the best rapper alive", anyone?) This would indicate that I scored 876 or less on my SATs. On the other hand My SAT bracket was left blank so apparently I don't like anything, especially not R&B.

See for yourself: Music That Makes You Dumb

Art for the Sophisticated US Weekly Reader

2009-03-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

Young Brit Liz Lomax likes to build wire and clay statues of celebrities and then photograph them. Her next venture is Octupto-Mom. There will be feet dangling in that piece.

One time I was giving a workshop and an attendee told me I looked like Amy Winehouse. I think she meant it as a compliment.

If she ever creates Prince hugging a camel, I WILL HAVE IT! Ringo Starr apparently had to have a Liz Lomax life-size statue of a cow.

Too Soon? Part Deux

2009-03-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

This leaked from the new album apparently.

Emergency Room - Mario ft. Rihanna

Hook:

You gon be in the emergency room

I'm standing by your bed

And searching to pull out your IV

You gon be in the emergency room

I'm fighting with myself

I can't hurt you even though you hurt me

You gon be in the emergency room

Trying to call a nurse but nobody can help you now

Let me see you try to live without me

Now where's your heartbeat?

Flatline on the EKG

Mario's part:

I did you wrong, girl

Had a bunch of numbers in my phone, girl

But we been in this relationship too long, girl

For you to be listenin to your silly homegirls

Better go on, girl

Now baby think about it

Everything we do they gon read about it

Put it on a radio and TV outlet

Do you want to see your picture in that paper

You know them haters

You hear that 808

The drum

That's my heartbeat

I'm going numb

I said Rihanna

I'm feeling stressed

I'm going under cardiac arrest

Even though this is out of pocket, Mario kills it, don't you think?

Dejá Vu All Over Again

2009-03-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

I just saw this amazing preview. It's a movie about drag racing. It drops 4.3.09. Once you watch this preview I'm sure you'll be hyped off it as much as I am:

Pro: Tego Calderón, my favorite Dominican rapper is featured here on the website.

Con: They couldn't use a newer song than "Crank That" for the trailer? I'm only a panda but somehow SouljaBoy Tell'em does not say "Drag Racing" to me.

Pro: Didn't a movie of this title come out in 2001? My mistake, that was The Fast and The Furious. Completely Different.

Only 23 days, 10 hours 22 minutes and 22 seconds according to the countdown...

Bite Bite Bite?

2009-03-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Cuz!

Soldier Salute Done Right

2009-03-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

July 11, 2007

Condom fashion show, anyone? I accept.

4th China Reproductive Health New Technologies & Products Expo

When You Spit From the 26th Floor...

2009-03-07T10:12:00.000-08:00

Does it float on the breeze to the ground?

Does it fall upon hats...?

Or white persian cats...?

Or on heads with a pitty-pat sound?

I used to think life was a bore...

But I don't feel that way anymore...

As I count up the hits...

And I smile as I sit...

And I spit from the 26th floor!

How Embarrassing...

2009-03-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

OK, people are starting to recognize me so I'll just throw the pict in question up on my own blog:

I admit, when the album first came out I was a bit chagrinned to say the least. However I am such a fan of the music, I decided I could let it slide.

I think you'll agree.

Bangers & Cash ft. Amanda Blank "Loose"

Doing It In Flip Flops—Extra 1000 Points

2009-03-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

It Got Champagne In It!

2009-03-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

This makes most things OK. This and the unprecedented apology on "Flashing Lights" live.

Don't Worry, I'm Still In Top Physical Condition

2009-03-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

I have had a tough time while recovering from my wisdom teeth extraction procedure. Not only am I limited in what I eat (mediterranean cheese style yogurt from Trader Joe's and tofu curry), but I've been exceptionally unsteady. For example, today in the shower that I turned off only the cold water instead of both hot and cold knobs and scalded myself. Then I jumped onto the ledge of the bathtub instead of jumping out of the bathtub and jammed my right middle toe on the sliding shower door. Both painful injuries and both due to my post wisdom teeth extraction procedure unsteadiness.
If it wasn't for the exercise program that was carefully researched and designed by Mary Ann Wilson, RN, and a team of physical therapists, doctors, and exercise specialists, who knows what could have befallen me.

I also need those shorts. Bday gift anyone??

Stop...Right There. Dance...With CB

2009-03-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

The main thing I love about Yeezy, as he sometimes calls himself, is his uncommon love of lasers. Lasers are something that don't get nearly enough recognition but he really appreciates them. I can tell.

I also love his now-characteristic outbursts like most recently on VH1 Storytellers:

"Can we give Chris [Brown] a break?...I know I make mistakes in life" One thing that was not a mistake was this Sesame Street cameo:

Do you see Elmo hitting that sh**? No pun intended.

Lather Up!

2009-03-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

On Yo Gabba Gabba

Musical Theater 2.0

2009-03-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

Even though reviewers trashed this movie, a certain panda you may know of just watched and thoroughly enjoyed it. Sure it's often uncomfortably cheesy and gives only a cursory glance to the timeline surrounding the music. Yes, it's plot was weak and love story fairly contrived. But certain elements made it seem more like a long music video (á la Help! or A Hard Days Night) than a weird quasi-musical and that's what makes it rad instead of ridiculous. To be fair, you must admit to liking a certain element of corniness. If you can't you must stop reading now and stop lying to yourself. Oh, you're still here? After all, didn't Moulin Rouge! get nominated for some Oscars? Of course some would argue that Oscars mean little these days, but they recognize some good things, don't they? Don't they?

Since this panda refuses to view the movie as a full-length feature film however, she has no qualms about recommending it to you, to be taken with a grain of salt. Like any good, or let's be honest, great band like the Beatles, there are bound to be songs we dislike or even—gasp!—hate. So too, has this feature-length-performance-of-the-musical-genre-that-is-not-a-movie. Some parts must be skipped. Don't worry, I've culled the best two numbers for your enjoyment:

The Uncle Sam coming to life at the beginning is not the best part, but what's not to love about the boxes full of scary screening processes?

Bono sucks as usual but Eddie Izzard is on point here despite what you may say, Stephen Holden!

My Book of Rats

2009-02-28T13:05:00.000-08:00

" I was in my bedroom—I had two roommates at the time, but they were both out for the evening—and I heard a noise in the bathroom. Sort of a rustle-around kind of noise, so I got up and peered into the bathroom, looked all around, and that's when I saw the giant rat running around inside the bathtub. I screamed like a girl and closed the door. Then I poured a glass of scotch to think things over, and I decided my best option would be to poison the rat without trying to confront it. So I looked around for some kind of poison in the apartment and all I could find was furniture polish—it was Lemon Pledge—and also I thought I remembered something about rats liking peanut butter so I mixed some Lemon Pledge with peanut butter and put it on a tiny piece of cardboard and slid it under the door and then waited. After about fifteen minutes I decided to peer in, and the peanut butter was untouched. So then I looked in the bathroom and didn't see it. And then I looked around and it was up on the sink staring at me. And then I screamed like a girl again and closed the door. I had another scotch and ultimately decided I needed to go in there and confront it, so I opened the door, didn't see it anywhere, looking all around, but there was a towel on the shower-curtain rod blocking a window ledge, and I figured it had to be on the ledge, so I grabbed the towel to pull it down, and I can't figure out to this day if I saw the rat on the ledge or it just dropped down into the bathtub, but now it was running around in the bathtub as scared as me and it couldn't get out—its claws were scraping—and so I decided I could drown it. So I turned on the water, waiting for it to drown, and that's when I had the tragic realization that rats can swim. But then I thought, I've got it trapped, so now I just have to kill it, and I went back to the kitchen looking for something more poisonous than Lemon Pledge and I found the Comet kitchen cleanser. So I went back in and the rat was swimming around in one end of the bathtub, and I poured a bunch into the other end of the tub, and it formed this large scary green pool. The rat swam toward it, and the second it hit the pool, it turned belly-up. Then I realized I had to get it out of the tub, and I didn't want to touch it, so I used a plastic bag and cut holes in it to drain the water, and I ran it out to the incinerator chute."

I'm Her Mom (No She's Not!)

2009-02-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

This girl kinda looks like a panda, which is why I can't help but think...

...about how good these shoes would look...

...on me.

I Want Pie! I Want Beef Jerky!

2009-02-25T14:12:00.000-08:00

I don't particularly care for kittens or small children or small children discussing kittens. Yet I found the exception with this informative video. Big thanks to my very special coworker for sending this to me.

Skin Was So '08

2009-02-24T14:43:00.000-08:00

This camel dabbles in the arts. This camel also will be getting her wisdom teeth pulled very soon. Put it all together and...

Tooth Art!

Really?

Intentional:

Can you find Chinita?

This is definitely the highlight of the collection:

Never Forget Me, I Am Nirodh

2009-02-23T19:13:00.000-08:00

Don't let the length of this vid intimidate you. You may not know these things so watch and learn, my friends, watch and learn.

Really Weird Indian Condom Commercial - Watch more Funny Videos

More amazing PSA's here.

It's All Good

2009-02-22T16:04:00.000-08:00

Attetion CB haters:

You don't know what the meaning of bad influence is. Sure he allegedly hit RiRi in the face and she had some bite-marks on her arms. But at least he didn't rap about smoking PCP, actually smoke PCP, murder his roommate's girlfriend while high on PCP and eat part of her lung.

OK, OK, according to some it was only someone else's human flesh that was found in his stomach, her lungs had bite marks and were torn from her body with a 3 inch knife, the blade of which was stuck in her shoulder.

As far as I'm concerned, CB's got nothing to worry about. If anything, he will use this as a stepping stone since Big Lurch aka Luciano aka Lucky Lurch aka XXXL who has been locked up since '03 has gone platinum and threatens to go multi. The album, It's All Bad was released in 2004 after he was convicted of murder (no insanity plea!) with this cover art:

The victim's mother has filed a lawsuit against the label, Black Market Activities for allegedly providing Lurch with angel dust in order "to encourage [him] to act out in an extreme, violent manner so as to make him more marketable as a 'Gangsta Rap' artist."

He's from Texas but has recorded with all your local favorites: Yukmouth, Mac Dre, C-Bo, RBL Posse, Keak, E-A-Ski etc. I don't notice anyone from the Bay claiming this dude.

Odd since he is amazing.

He is in contention for this panda's favorite rapper in the category of 6'6" and above.

Ranger Fitted

2009-02-21T10:46:00.000-08:00

As you may know, this panda is applying to become a park ranger. It is common knowledge that panda's look pretty good in olive green and khaki so here are some ideas of what will be needed:

This is a spring look, patches not included. Do you think they'll mind that this jacket is made for hunting? Note the extra padding on the right hand side. Too bad this panda shoots left.

For winter pandas need a more substantial coat. Perhaps something in waxed cotton? It seems elementary that belts are a Ranger's friend, therefore a belted jacket? Genius!

Rangering demands a fair amount of walking, hiking, boat steering, horse-back riding and apparently ATV driving so a steady boot is in order.

For shirt perhaps a nice western in corresponding colors of course. Mother of peal buttons only please, Pandas are a classy bunch and Rangers aren't too shabby themselves. (Does that mean Panda Rangers have to be twice as nice?!)

And last but not least, pantaloons. Ideally this panda would love to wear some Argentine gaucho pants, but that may not go over great in this, the land of Lincoln. (Speaking of which, Happy Belated to Honest Abe and Darwin! Same day! Same age!)

Don't Even Trip On All The Cameos

2009-02-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

He is everywhere. And by "He" I mean the newest member of the Mo' Thugs Family.

Also, this video is great if you, say, just discovered the internet and need a summary. You know who you are.

Guess Who Met at the Crossroads...

2009-02-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

We all thought the Mo Thugs Family was crossing lines, but this is just Krayzie! I have nothing nice to say. Even efing Perez Hilton was mad about this.

If you've forgotten "Ghetto Cowboy" from Mo Thugs Family, let me refresh your memory:

And here's the rare instrumental version:

I didn't realize Obama was up for Sainthood!

2009-02-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

Who wouldn't want to own this votive candle?

A Catholic priest. Rev. Tony La Torre claimed Sunday that the candle mocks Jesus in a "not so saintly way" and is urging folks to boycott the store selling them.

The imagery in question was taken from the Peruvian San Martín de Porres (Saint of the Broom) who was one of the first people of African descent to become a saint in the Americas but not until 1962. According to some sources San Martín was also of mixed European and African descent, just like our prez. Unlike the president he was known to levitate on occasion, bilocate, and talk to animals.

The same priest also claimed that the owners of the shop are Jewish (they're not) and thus "should know what it feels like to be mocked and ridiculed."

The owners of the store fought back by saying their stuff is "just fun" though "there's a lot of nasty stuff you can sell...in the Castro." Way to point the finger guys.

Rev. La Torre wrote all of these complaints and more in his parish newsletter which is on display at Just For Fun on 24th St. in Noe Valley, adding that he was outraged that a gag gift shop would do this "just to make a buck."

Try $15 each, Homey.

Fancy Potty Opportunities

2009-02-18T11:40:00.000-08:00

Some might think that thoroughly washing one's junk after every trip to the john is a bit excessive. I, however, refuse to shmear my refuse (get it?!) For this reason, Benny and I purchased and attached this nifty hand-held bidet/chrome shattaf/muslim shower.

Once I start my fundraising efforts I will upgrade to this gorgeous bit of heaven known as the Toto Washlet. Chinita's big bro is already working with this and purchased one for the parents. So thoughtful. I had the pleasure of using chinita's bro's washlet the other day. I actually held my pee until I arrived at his location because I just couldn't to miss out on the occilating spray and heat dry. Other amenities include heated water, angled spray nossils, and a removable wall mounted remote.

Brilliant advertisement btw.

One typically does not associate public restrooms with cleanliness and luxury, but the first ever five star public toilet is about to open on April 27 in Hangzhou, China. For you bathroom aficionados, this might be old news. You might even have your tickets reserved.

Valentimes!

2009-02-14T10:19:00.000-08:00

Rubbing Him The Right Way